"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the > woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.  "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.  I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.  

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."  He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"  Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?  The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.  She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He  answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.  So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.  The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...  The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" 

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.  "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.  The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."  The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."  Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."  Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.. "HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.  You're just
like Moishe."
.
Passenger: "Who?"
.
Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman.  There's a guy who did everything right.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that
to
Moishe every single time."
.
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
.
Cabbie: "Not Moishe.  He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on
the pro tour in tennis.  He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano."
.
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
.
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to
eat them with.  He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
.
Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?
.
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams,  not like me,  I always seem to get into them"
.
Passenger:   Mmm, not many like that around"
.
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and
never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was
always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
.
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
.
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."
.
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
.
Cabbie: "I married his widow."

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!  In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!  In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would
no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

After a long night of making passionate love with the girl of his dreams this guy rolls over and notices a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed.

Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" He said hoping to be reassured.

"No. no. no!!!" She said.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy...

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: Chicago

One hand on the wheel, one finger out window:

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel:

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas, City, Male

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:

Beer Troubleshooting